[ the wine and glasses were set aside and he sank down into a nearby chair. some of his attention is on the dog and his horrible manners, the other on his friend barely keeping it together, and whatever is left is on other things... ]
Lucifer is not in control here. He's never been in control. You could do everything he ever asks of you and it still won't matter because he answers ultimately to someone else.
[ his brow furrows. ]
I never understood why you follow the power and don't just own it yourself. You could. You just give it up and that's why this is happening.
[ this is dumb and he's not drunk enough for this sort of conversation. ]
You invest in other people more than you invest in yourself and then when it's ripped from you, you don't know how to handle it.
[ ....welp.... ]
But you have it in you to get your arrogant, stubborn head out of your hands and help yourself. It breaks my heart to see how miserable you've allowed yourself to be.
[ Squalo leans back in his chair, running a hand through his hair in frustration again. Yeah, he knew Lucifer was pretty much trapped here along with them, but all the same... ]
But he managed to get him in, so I thought... [ he sighs. Little does he know that Lucifer had merely not corrected his misunderstanding on the situation. He had never actually brought Xanxus in... probably. ] Doesn't matter now.
[ He shakes his head, laughing mirthlessly. ]
Are you saying I should be the boss? I made up my mind about that when I won the Varia. I'm not somebody who can sit around safely and be important all day, you know that.
[ Bosses were too valuable to throw into the fray unless absolutely necessary, and Squalo lived for his battles. He had made the best decision he could with what he had. ]
[ Of course, now... ]
[ Shit, Dino's right. He doesn't know how to handle this. He has no coping mechanisms besides drinking and violence, and that's pretty much his regular day. ]
I'm saying you're perfectly capable of doing everything on your own. You don't actually need anyone. You know how to lead, you know how to fight, you know how to figure shit out. So with all of that under your belt, with more ego than any man actually needs--why are you sitting here like your entire world has blown to shit?
[ he took the bottle up and filled the two glasses, sank back into the chair with his own and rolled his eyes. ]
So, see that and really take it in that you're better than this, eat your food, drink your wine, love the new puppy and get on with it.
[ He pauses and looks up, hands dropping down to the table, looking actually a bit shaken. This is... harsher than Dino usually speaks, but it's also true. It's true, as well as the fact that he's really let himself go in more ways than one recently. As much as it sickens him to be lectured by Dino Cavallone of all people and to agree he actually has a point this time, it's just facts. ]
...
[ He folds his arms defiantly and scowls. ]
Sure, I'm capable. I don't want to.
[ His cheek twitches a little as he bares his teeth in distaste, glaring at the table. ]
I was on my own for eight years. I don't want to do it again. It's -- too soon.
[ His world has been blown to shit, than you very much. What if he decides to just be stubborn about his wallowing in misery? What then? Okay, that's nowhere glorious enough for him to actually do it long term, but he's feeling rather pissed off at the moment so he's willing to go against just about any good suggestion there can be. ]
[ There is a moment where Dino nods in agreement—yes, Squalo, you are capable—but then that is shot to hell with what follows.
He blinks in surprise and then scowls; holding the glass of wine in one hand, idly swirling the contents as his expression morphs from surprise, to confusion, a touch a scorn and then just annoyance. ]
What are you going to do, then? Hm? Cry some more? Drink yourself stupid? Become the exact kind of weakness you give other people shit for?
[ he snorts softly and shakes his head. ]
I don’t believe you will. Your ego couldn’t take it. And for the record you’re not alone. I may not be someone you enjoy having around but someone who looks up to you is here now and he deserves better than this. So knock the shit off and stand up. You’re better than this. It’s the whole reason I continue to bail your ass out when I can. I need you to be what I can’t.
[ He doesn't like this. He doesn't like the words coming out of Dino's mouth or the look on his face -- that scorn, especially. How dares he. This was the way Squalo looked at lesser men. ]
[ As soon as the word "cry" has left Dino's lips, Squalo's standing up suddenly in a fit of rage, slamming his hands down on the table with a loud thud, looking like he's about to start screaming at him -- but instead he just glares. ]
[ He can't exactly deny those things, them being exactly what he's been doing for the last couple of months, but he didn't have to actually say them, and Squalo didn't have to like it. It's probably a good sign that this has made him mad to such an extent -- there's still stubbornness, and there's still pride, underneath the whole pity party. He's not completely broken yet. He's still himself, just buried under resentment and sadness, but those can be torn away still. ]
[ He growls, loud, offended, teeth bared, and then slowly sits back down as Dino calmly continues speaking as if Squalo didn't look ready to tear his throat out a second ago. Well, maybe he wasn't a Boss for nothing after all, not that he'd ever admit it. Instead, he angrily shoves some food into his mouth. ]
[ That last bit makes him pause mid-chew again, though not in a bad way. He likes being needed. He regards Dino with some amount of curiosity. Be what he can't, huh? ]
[ It isn’t like Dino is unfazed by that reaction. In fact, it sends the same sort of thrill through him that it always has. But now isn’t the time to turn into pudding over it. Not when Squalo has turned soggy.
He watches him with those shit-brown eyes (as he calls them, Asshole) and waits for him to calm and sit once more.
The glass tips back and he takes a drink from the wine before he chews the inside of his cheek. ]
Savage. Strong. Brave. I can pull it out of my ass when the time calls for it but you are everything, all the time. I was forced into this position but we all know it’s not what I would have chosen for myself. For you it was right there. Waiting for you. In your blood. We all have our roles and I do what I can, and support those who can do more. But that doesn’t make me weak. It makes me stronger than you Varia give me credit for.
[ He sets the glass down. ]
If it were true you wouldn’t call on me as often as you do. Now are you going to listen to me now that I’ve polished your ego or do I need clean you up myself?
Edited (Autocorrect is a bitch. ) 2021-01-10 01:11 (UTC)
[ At least Squalo's bristling seems to simmer down somewhat with each compliment, though he's undoubtedly still annoyed and offended at the end. But yes. He's all of those things. How could he let himself forget that? He'd gotten too accustomed to building his entire identity around Xanxus, but maybe he didn't have to. He didn't need to, that's for sure. It was just difficult to accept, but... ]
[ Hell, if Xanxus ever found his way back to Hell -- in his right state of mind, that is -- surely he would prefer to find Squalo in his wild, smug, unapologetic glory, rather than... this. ]
[ Something shifts in his expression, barely noticeably -- something almost like resolve finding its way back into him. As if his extinguished Flames were sparking to life once again. ]
[ He takes a breath. ]
No. [ He takes a drink from his glass and sticks more food into his mouth. There's more purpose to his movements now, whereas before he was clearly just going through the motions. ] I will do it.
Moments like these, Dino finds a bit more patience than usual. He is careful to watch Squalo, and by now he knows when the other is giving in to something or at least taking it to heart.
A wave of relief washes over him as he watches everything click back into place until he sees more of the real Squalo and less of the mess Xanxus left.
Dino finally gives the food some attention and he leans a little on the table as he pokes at it and takes a bite. ]
[ It's a bit weird, to be honest. He's done it before so many times, it's almost easy... certainly comfortable. But also lonely, and heavy. But he's resilient. He can get back on track and stay on it, and it will get easier. The pain will get lighter. At least, he will choose to believe so. There's still so much to be done. ]
[ he can, but who will crawl around, whine and force him into his big boy pants then? ]
[ Squalo shrugs, because evidently normalcy comes with absolute refusal to talk about feelings. ]
[ It is, of course, not as flip-a-switch as it looks from the outside. He still doesn't understand why Xanxus did this to him. It hurts. But as with most things, he's starting to compartmentalize. Yeah, he wants to know. But if he never sees him again, it doesn't matter... and if he does, he will fucking ask. Right in his face. There, all settled. So there's no use agonizing over it now. ]
[ He gives a skew smirk and drains half his glass in one go. ]
He'd probably appreciate toenail clippings if you gave him a bag.
[ Dino scoffs and throws his napkin in Squalos face before he goes back to eating.
He knows it’ll take time. He knows. But he’s glad that some action at least has been kickstarted. Squalo was strong long before Xanxus and he’ll stay that way so long as people don’t let him drown in messes like this.
Yamamoto can keep him moving. The dog will keep him yelling. Gokudera will inevitably pick fights and...he will be there as he always has. (Save for those months or year or whatever it was that Squalo was here without him. Shut up he knows.) ]
At least you’ve got a little of that fire back in your eyes.
[ Squalo snorts and pins the napkin to the ceiling with his knife and a swift wrist flick. Fucking show off. ]
[ It's true, he had been strong before the Varia ever sniffed him out. But he'd also been directionless. Wild. A loose cannon. It took him a while to shake that off even once he'd already joined them. It was fine for him, sure, but to everyone around him, Squalo unbound by any loyalty or morals would be terrifying. ]
[ He glances at Dino thoughtfully and doesn't say anything. Did he now? A moment later, his ring gleams blue. It's still weaker than usual, but it's there, and contented, he snuffs it out again before continuing with his dinner. ]
[ Squalo considers the offer, then gives a shrug. Unfortunately, him being less soggy pathetic also means he's going to be more of an asshole. At least he's grateful enough not to tell him to get lost. ]
[ as any decent narcissistic person, Squalo looks like he's about to say good but then he just seems to bristle and stare at Dino because how dare you not crave his presence. ]
[ At least, he chooses to believe so. But honestly, he's heard that "I won't be chasing you anymore" like three times in Hell so far, and it hasn't worked out until now. Why would this time be any different? ]
You really tryin' to say I'm not attractive to you?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ the wine and glasses were set aside and he sank down into a nearby chair. some of his attention is on the dog and his horrible manners, the other on his friend barely keeping it together, and whatever is left is on other things... ]
Lucifer is not in control here. He's never been in control. You could do everything he ever asks of you and it still won't matter because he answers ultimately to someone else.
[ his brow furrows. ]
I never understood why you follow the power and don't just own it yourself. You could. You just give it up and that's why this is happening.
[ this is dumb and he's not drunk enough for this sort of conversation. ]
You invest in other people more than you invest in yourself and then when it's ripped from you, you don't know how to handle it.
[ ....welp.... ]
But you have it in you to get your arrogant, stubborn head out of your hands and help yourself. It breaks my heart to see how miserable you've allowed yourself to be.
no subject
[ Squalo leans back in his chair, running a hand through his hair in frustration again. Yeah, he knew Lucifer was pretty much trapped here along with them, but all the same... ]
But he managed to get him in, so I thought... [ he sighs. Little does he know that Lucifer had merely not corrected his misunderstanding on the situation. He had never actually brought Xanxus in... probably. ] Doesn't matter now.
[ He shakes his head, laughing mirthlessly. ]
Are you saying I should be the boss? I made up my mind about that when I won the Varia. I'm not somebody who can sit around safely and be important all day, you know that.
[ Bosses were too valuable to throw into the fray unless absolutely necessary, and Squalo lived for his battles. He had made the best decision he could with what he had. ]
[ Of course, now... ]
[ Shit, Dino's right. He doesn't know how to handle this. He has no coping mechanisms besides drinking and violence, and that's pretty much his regular day. ]
no subject
I'm saying you're perfectly capable of doing everything on your own. You don't actually need anyone. You know how to lead, you know how to fight, you know how to figure shit out. So with all of that under your belt, with more ego than any man actually needs--why are you sitting here like your entire world has blown to shit?
[ he took the bottle up and filled the two glasses, sank back into the chair with his own and rolled his eyes. ]
So, see that and really take it in that you're better than this, eat your food, drink your wine, love the new puppy and get on with it.
no subject
...
[ He folds his arms defiantly and scowls. ]
Sure, I'm capable. I don't want to.
[ His cheek twitches a little as he bares his teeth in distaste, glaring at the table. ]
I was on my own for eight years. I don't want to do it again. It's -- too soon.
[ His world has been blown to shit, than you very much. What if he decides to just be stubborn about his wallowing in misery? What then? Okay, that's nowhere glorious enough for him to actually do it long term, but he's feeling rather pissed off at the moment so he's willing to go against just about any good suggestion there can be. ]
no subject
He blinks in surprise and then scowls; holding the glass of wine in one hand, idly swirling the contents as his expression morphs from surprise, to confusion, a touch a scorn and then just annoyance. ]
What are you going to do, then? Hm? Cry some more? Drink yourself stupid? Become the exact kind of weakness you give other people shit for?
[ he snorts softly and shakes his head. ]
I don’t believe you will. Your ego couldn’t take it. And for the record you’re not alone. I may not be someone you enjoy having around but someone who looks up to you is here now and he deserves better than this. So knock the shit off and stand up. You’re better than this. It’s the whole reason I continue to bail your ass out when I can. I need you to be what I can’t.
no subject
[ As soon as the word "cry" has left Dino's lips, Squalo's standing up suddenly in a fit of rage, slamming his hands down on the table with a loud thud, looking like he's about to start screaming at him -- but instead he just glares. ]
[ He can't exactly deny those things, them being exactly what he's been doing for the last couple of months, but he didn't have to actually say them, and Squalo didn't have to like it. It's probably a good sign that this has made him mad to such an extent -- there's still stubbornness, and there's still pride, underneath the whole pity party. He's not completely broken yet. He's still himself, just buried under resentment and sadness, but those can be torn away still. ]
[ He growls, loud, offended, teeth bared, and then slowly sits back down as Dino calmly continues speaking as if Squalo didn't look ready to tear his throat out a second ago. Well, maybe he wasn't a Boss for nothing after all, not that he'd ever admit it. Instead, he angrily shoves some food into his mouth. ]
[ That last bit makes him pause mid-chew again, though not in a bad way. He likes being needed. He regards Dino with some amount of curiosity. Be what he can't, huh? ]
...And what exactly is that?
no subject
He watches him with those shit-brown eyes (as he calls them, Asshole) and waits for him to calm and sit once more.
The glass tips back and he takes a drink from the wine before he chews the inside of his cheek. ]
Savage. Strong. Brave. I can pull it out of my ass when the time calls for it but you are everything, all the time. I was forced into this position but we all know it’s not what I would have chosen for myself. For you it was right there. Waiting for you. In your blood. We all have our roles and I do what I can, and support those who can do more. But that doesn’t make me weak. It makes me stronger than you Varia give me credit for.
[ He sets the glass down. ]
If it were true you wouldn’t call on me as often as you do. Now are you going to listen to me now that I’ve polished your ego or do I need clean you up myself?
no subject
[ At least Squalo's bristling seems to simmer down somewhat with each compliment, though he's undoubtedly still annoyed and offended at the end. But yes. He's all of those things. How could he let himself forget that? He'd gotten too accustomed to building his entire identity around Xanxus, but maybe he didn't have to. He didn't need to, that's for sure. It was just difficult to accept, but... ]
[ Hell, if Xanxus ever found his way back to Hell -- in his right state of mind, that is -- surely he would prefer to find Squalo in his wild, smug, unapologetic glory, rather than... this. ]
[ Something shifts in his expression, barely noticeably -- something almost like resolve finding its way back into him. As if his extinguished Flames were sparking to life once again. ]
[ He takes a breath. ]
No. [ He takes a drink from his glass and sticks more food into his mouth. There's more purpose to his movements now, whereas before he was clearly just going through the motions. ] I will do it.
no subject
Moments like these, Dino finds a bit more patience than usual. He is careful to watch Squalo, and by now he knows when the other is giving in to something or at least taking it to heart.
A wave of relief washes over him as he watches everything click back into place until he sees more of the real Squalo and less of the mess Xanxus left.
Dino finally gives the food some attention and he leans a little on the table as he pokes at it and takes a bite. ]
I trust you will.
[ he chews thoughtfully and then hums. ]
How does it feel?
no subject
[ It's a bit weird, to be honest. He's done it before so many times, it's almost easy... certainly comfortable. But also lonely, and heavy. But he's resilient. He can get back on track and stay on it, and it will get easier. The pain will get lighter. At least, he will choose to believe so. There's still so much to be done. ]
[ He gives Dino a flat look as he chews. ]
Bit overcooked, but I'll finish it.
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He meets that flat look with a knowing smile. ]
Not what I meant, but I’ll take it. The wine helps.
[ He chuckles and pours some more wine into the others glass.
And then he shoots a look to Cazzo and arches a brow. ]
At least he appreciates it.
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[ Squalo shrugs, because evidently normalcy comes with absolute refusal to talk about feelings. ]
[ It is, of course, not as flip-a-switch as it looks from the outside. He still doesn't understand why Xanxus did this to him. It hurts. But as with most things, he's starting to compartmentalize. Yeah, he wants to know. But if he never sees him again, it doesn't matter... and if he does, he will fucking ask. Right in his face. There, all settled. So there's no use agonizing over it now. ]
[ He gives a skew smirk and drains half his glass in one go. ]
He'd probably appreciate toenail clippings if you gave him a bag.
no subject
[ Dino scoffs and throws his napkin in Squalos face before he goes back to eating.
He knows it’ll take time. He knows. But he’s glad that some action at least has been kickstarted. Squalo was strong long before Xanxus and he’ll stay that way so long as people don’t let him drown in messes like this.
Yamamoto can keep him moving. The dog will keep him yelling. Gokudera will inevitably pick fights and...he will be there as he always has. (Save for those months or year or whatever it was that Squalo was here without him. Shut up he knows.) ]
At least you’ve got a little of that fire back in your eyes.
no subject
[ It's true, he had been strong before the Varia ever sniffed him out. But he'd also been directionless. Wild. A loose cannon. It took him a while to shake that off even once he'd already joined them. It was fine for him, sure, but to everyone around him, Squalo unbound by any loyalty or morals would be terrifying. ]
[ He glances at Dino thoughtfully and doesn't say anything. Did he now? A moment later, his ring gleams blue. It's still weaker than usual, but it's there, and contented, he snuffs it out again before continuing with his dinner. ]
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At least he isn’t rusty. Not that Dino truly believed that Squalos skills would turn as soggy as his resolve but confirmation is nice.
He goes in for another bite and let’s his focus naturally fall back to his friend. ]
I can stay if you want. Just so you have some company.
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[ Squalo considers the offer, then gives a shrug. Unfortunately, him being less
soggypathetic also means he's going to be more of an asshole. At least he's grateful enough not to tell him to get lost. ]Stay out of the master bedroom.
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...and he is sadly accustomed to the Asshole-ness.
He snorts softly. ]
I don’t want to sleep with you, anyway.
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[ as any decent narcissistic person, Squalo looks like he's about to say good but then he just seems to bristle and stare at Dino because how dare you not crave his presence. ]
The hell did you just say.
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KING OF MIXED SIGNALS, I hate you.
He blinks once and glances around like this is a trick or something. ]
I...don’t want to sleep with you?
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[ Squalo's nostrils flare in an offended huff. ]
Why the fuck not? I thought you said I was amazing?
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[ wtf bro lol...
He crosses his arms over the table top. ]
...okay so you do want me to sleep with you then?
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[ He wants you to want it so he can deny it to you, geeze. ]
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Like...he understands. He does. But it’s still such a strange way of going about things. ]
Well, I don’t want to sleep with you, Squalo. This should make you happy. I won’t be chasing you anymore.
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[ At least, he chooses to believe so. But honestly, he's heard that "I won't be chasing you anymore" like three times in Hell so far, and it hasn't worked out until now. Why would this time be any different? ]
You really tryin' to say I'm not attractive to you?
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[ He sits back again in his chair and shakes his head. ]
Not really. But maybe in a few weeks when you’re back to normal.
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